News that’s not great

Back to showing off photos sent from Trinidad again; the weather today made me think how nice it would be to be out walking barefoot on the sand at the beach and smelling the salty air!  Even better, soaking in seawater up to my neck for an hour or so.  Ahhh…🏝️🌊 wishful thinking… Jerry is still in his ‘manic’ mode, throwing his toy (which has now lost its squeaker, most of the borders and part of the fabric) at me.  I don’t mind that one, but I’m terrified of his rubber gorilla, which is actually intended for a larger dog, but which he loves to chew — and drop on my toes!  That thing is solid and I’ve tried hiding it, without success; he’s too good at hide and seek.  (No, I’m not throwing it out; it’ll probably find its way back to me!)  He’s a strong chewer, especially considering that he weighs 4kg, so only strong rubber toys last, but he has lots of fun with the unstuffed squeakers (anything stuffed lasts maybe 3 days before I throw out the scraps that are left.)  Don is currently watching THREE sports matches on TV — he complains when I channel surf, but he seems fine flipping across 3 channels, and occasionally going to the scoreboard channel to check on other games.  

My crochet project is definitely growing when I don’t look!  I switched from one wool to another when I realized that I didn’t have enough to finish, and pulled out another couple of large (1lb) balls.  Based on the pattern info, I’d need 1.5 balls of this yarn.  Well, last night I started on ball #3, and I don’t think I have enough to finish, still!  I have no idea what’s happening, and I have maybe 5 rows to finish and enough wool for 2 - 2.5/3 if I’m lucky.  The colour is discontinued (naturally!) and I’m not completely sure what to try next.  Stand by for updates on this majicked project; maybe I’ll find out which witch I annoyed… maybe my stance on camel milk offended one?  Or my flat out refusal to consider switching to “natural” treatments?

I tried a new food delivery place today.  They issue menus with different meals that are available for delivery Tuesday - Friday weekly (they’re closed on Monday.)  Today’s was a Vietnamese-inspired menu with chicken, rice and loads of vegetables.  I ordered a “small” which they say feeds 2 comfortably; I live with the world’s pickiest eater ever, so it’s just for me.  The portions provided will give me easily 4 meals, maybe 5, but they’re quite tasty.  It’s a bit more expensive than Meals on Wheels (which may or may not go round and round… sorry; the torment is real!) but tastes much better.  (MoW is on par with hospital food, and regular readers will remember my scathing reviews of hospital food, although I did enjoy my interactions with the staff who are just wonderful!!!)  I’ve ordered another meal for next week, so we’ll see.  Once a week will probably cover most of the week’s meals given my appetite.

OK, after waffling for a while, here’s my update.  As you know, I did my scans a week last Friday, and I was cautiously optimistic that I’d be able to continue without needing much intervention for a while.  The Sunday night, my oncologist (who is really awesome) contacted me with the results.  As I said, he’s awesome, but I’m not a fan of being contacted right after a scan, because every time he has to do that, it’s not good news.  Here’s what he shared:

I took a look at your scans, and they're not great.  All of the spots that we saw on the last scan have grown, including the one on the lung that was recently radiated.  If there's any good news, it's that I don't see any new spots.  But the old ones are all a bit bigger.  

I think that it's time for us to make a decision. We can start treatment; But the other alternative is to not start.  You know from personal experience that people can have troubles and side effects from cancer treatments.  And if we reflect on the past few months, you've probably felt better off of treatments than you would have felt if you were on.  So I think that it's OK if we decide not to start and to focus instead on comfort, dignity, and quality of life.  

But I think that if we make that decision now then we should be prepared for the idea that it's the last time we have the choice.  Previously, we've thought that we were deferring treatment to some point in the future.  I don't think we can defer it any more:  if we make a decision not to take it now, then I don't know if we'll ever get around to it. 

This did, as you can imagine, not go down well.  I’ve been working on processing this, which I’m sure has added to my anxiety in the last week and a bit, and may explain why I’ve been more irritable than usual.  My appointment yesterday with my palliative care doctor (L doesn’t like that title, so I usually say “pain management specialist” which is also one of his roles) asked me, “Are you coping with this?  How do you feel?”  I replied that I wasn’t coping very well, as this plunges me right back into feeling uncertain and spinning out of control.  I’ve worked with the psychiatrist before, so I’ve got all the tools they offer for coping, and I’ve been consistently using them.  I’m also reading Brené Brown on coping with recurrent feeling and it’s all stuff I’ve done before.  The drug we’re going to use is a pill, and the cost is astronomical (averages at $3600 / month)  Thankfully my insurance covers 80% of the costs, and there’s the possibility of financial aid, so that will help considerably.  Meanwhile, though, my mind is spinning at the idea that we’re running out of treatment options and I am very unhappy about that. My standing thought is that as long as we can treat, we will; that hasn’t changed, but I respect that he asks me and doesn’t just assume what I want.  My usual optimism is somewhat subdued, even though the few people with whom I’ve shared this point out that there are still treatments. Honestly, I’m tired of feeling like I live on the edge of a treadmill with a sword hanging over me.  I understand how Damocles must have felt!  Unlike James Bond, though, there’s not someone who will come along and stop the swinging sword inches before it hits.  

I value my oncologist’s honesty and his willingness to do things that help me.  I also appreciate the “pain management specialist” 😉 for keeping tabs on my mental health, but Oh, how I wish for one of those miracles that “baffle and confound” doctors!  As far as good news goes, I’m not in pain, nor am I feeling weak or terrible, and I have dreams of travelling this year.  I’ve warned a few people that I’m likely to pop up on their doorsteps if my energy allows.  Please God, this treatment will allow me to spend some quality time with my friends and relatives even if I can’t join the kids who are currently trekking around South East Asia this month.  They’re kind enough to keep me updates with videos and photos, and I’m enjoying their trip vicariously.  

This is extra long, but I thought I’d like to share what’s happening.  I’ll make my usual request for jokes, photos (flowers, puppies, kids, beaches) and other fun things.  Prayers are accepted, and I’m open to arranging coffee/snack/spa outings.  Plus, since this year is a milestone for me (55) I’m throwing a party… so I’ll be working on that for next month.  (P says that 55 isn’t a milestone, but I disagree.)