Thursday

Another cool day today, requiring a sweater and having the windows closed.  It was very sunny, though, which helps with mood - I am trying not to think of rainy days as “bad weather” but I admit that sunny days are better for my mood, but also are worse for my energy because I struggle to stay awake rather than take naps on sunny days.  I’ve got this childlike mindset that daytime sleep means that I’m missing out (FOMO, essentially) but on rainy days I’m comfortable with taking a nap.  Jerry has been on high alert all day, I’m not sure why.  When he wasn’t running behind me or lying in wait to trip me up, he was jumping on my lap and making himself a very long dog.  I’m constantly amazed at how this little dog manages to stretch out and fill half of a queen-sized bed or fit into a soup bowl, depending on who’s available for cuddling.  Don is feeling playful as well, so I’m watching them both for sudden outbreaks of mischief!  I don’t know which is more likely to be challenging, the big or little boy 😁 they both have large capacities for trouble making.

I received my Naloxone kit yesterday.  It was recommended by the pharmacy that’s handling my chemo drugs, as an extra precaution since I’m on opioids and they want me to have this in the event of an overdose.  They know that I’m on a “tiny baby dose” for all my medications but they said it’s in case there’s a day that I accidentally take more than prescribed, or if I have a bad day and react more strongly to the meds.  I understand their logic, and I appreciate the protections that are being taken for me, but it also makes me anxious.  These reminders that I’m unwell force me to face up to an unacceptable and unpleasant reality that I’d really rather ignore.  Someone sent me an article today on the benefits of wilful ignorance, where you can overlook items that are not relevant to your daily life, or which may blind us.  My prognosis, although it’s unchanged, is not something on which I dwell daily, so I do indulge in wilful ignorance sometimes.  I take my medication, but so do millions of others, for far less serious items, and I go on with my life to the extent possible.  You all know that I have good and less good days, and days when I feel depressed, but there aren’t any when I spend a lot of time thinking about this disease and the “what may be”  Days like yesterday when I get a kit as an “in case of emergency” brings up unpleasant thoughts, and on top of that anything out of the ordinary becomes a BIG DEAL.  Feeling tired?  It could just be a lack of sleep (it happens) or serious side effect… my brain jumps to worst scenario.  Working on that.  I am.  It helps when I don’t have reminders all over in physical form.

Subject change… I told you before about my favourite cookbook when I was a child.  It’s led to my collection of well over 100 books (probably closer to 200), but I used to spend literally hours rereading it and planning menus for when I was grown up, not realizing at the time that food preferences would change and what I considered to be an elegant gourmet meal at 7 would be old fashioned and outdated at 40.  That being said, I immersed myself in that book again, and found the markers for those recipes.  There are some that I considered to be posh and difficult, like chicken vol-au-vent which I thought would have been the epitome of a classy dinner entrée; then I saw it on a menu and I thought that it would be great… but it was a disappointment.  It might have been the spicing level (I found it to be bland) or perhaps I had unrealistic expectations of the puff pastry and chicken combination, but it didn’t live up to my 7-year-old’s imagination.  Then creamed spinach… I actually like spinach, so adding cream to it does very little for me (but mixing in some cream of mushroom soup is an interesting combo). Reading Enid Blyton and other British authors when growing up, I was always thrilled by the description of the meals they had — scones were actually the first thing I ever baked, after the lyrical descriptions in her books — and the appetites that were “sharpened by fresh/sea air.”  They described some of the simplest foods with a vim that current food writers use for the “served by eye dropper” sized portions, but far more credibly.  I was convinced that steak-and-kidney pudding was a great meal — I was unimpressed when I did have it, but I enjoyed things like scones, fresh vegetables, assorted meat pies and such like.  I always preferred her descriptions of farmhouse supper-teas more than elegant afternoon tea, which seems to fit with Blyton’s approach.  She was always scathing of “paper thin cucumber sandwiches” and “dainty cakes.”  I also wondered if anyone else had a dish that they thought would be good but were disappointed in reality?  Conversely, are there any meals that you found that you enjoyed when you thought you wouldn’t?  One of mine was apple pie with cheese, another was pork and apples… gee, those apples get around, don’t they?

Right, I’m on puppy duty… so off I go to pet tummies and lose my lap for a while.  Good night.