The air is sweet

Tulips are beginning to pop up; the Tulip Festival is coming up soon, so that’s great timing.  There is, though, still the risk of flooding in some areas, and a few of the interprovincial bridges are either closed or have reduced lanes.  I had an appointment at the hospital today, and the weather was just so outdoorsy!  That shade of perfect blue, with tiny puffy cotton wool white clouds and cool air!  I was out in just a light cardigan when we got back; I’ve had the urge to do more than my energy allows but I’ve been trying to manage my strength better.  Jerry continues to try to milk being lifted… this morning he jumped out of bed, ran around the room (security patrol 😆) then I had a cold nose on my arm, followed by a paw patting me to say that he needed to get back into bed!  He’s curled up against Don now, after having persuaded him that he needed petting.  Don is saving energy after his team lost last night, but there’s another game tonight.  Sports seem to be endless and seasons just bleed into each other… He’s feeling more like himself, which always makes me feel better.

I got a call a couple of day ago from my palliative care (pain management) doctor asking that I go in for an ECG before our appointment on Tuesday.  We decided that today would be a good time, as he’d get the results in time (I had considered Monday, but Don pointed out that if anything caused a delay we’d have problems as my Tuesday appointment is at the crack of dawn — 8:00am)  Then this morning I was woken up shortly after the crack of 8am, with a nurse saying that another doctor wanted an ECG.  I explained that I would go in today, and she sounded relieved.  Anyway, to drag out a long story further, we went in today to the hospital for a walk-in session.  Don packed a picnic, because he wasn’t sure how long I’d be, since I didn’t have a firm time.  I found the location, waited about 3 minutes for the technician to finish her lunch (I did say “take your time” but she insisted that she was really done!  I’m not sure if I believe her.) She spent a few minutes sticking sensors all over me, connecting cables and setting up, pressed a button… and 10 minutes after I’d arrived at the hospital, I was on the way out.  Don had barely had enough time to find a parking spot… luckily he was in a free spot, because he’d be very cranky if he had to pay for such a short period!  The technician was a little confused as there were 2 requisitions for an ECG so she wondered if I needed 2.  It was finally settled that I just needed 1, with copies to 2 doctors, which they’ve probably already received.

It’s official, my crochet project has heard the “whoosh” of its deadline passing… there is no way that I can complete it in the time I planned, so I’ve adjusted the timeline to be more realistic.  Stand by for photos, which I hope will be worth the wait.

I came to a realization today that makes me feel a little inhuman.  I found that I can’t express deep emotions freely.  I might feel very frustrated, or overwhelmed or anxious, but I can’t cry, nor can I channel my anger out; I just swallow it.  I’ve done a number of exercises, but I think that I’ve been heavily conditioned into maintaining a stiff upper lip, so allowing that to slip is a nonstarter.  I was thinking today about a number of things, and I started to feel stressed, overwhelmed and anxious.  Then I turned that into mentally updating my “to do” list.  I’ve found that I am more likely to stammer or trip over my words lately, which is a sign of stress.  I don’t normally do that unless I’m severely overwhelmed.  I thought that if I could find a way to wriggle out from under the pile of stressors I have, maybe I wouldn’t be feeling quite so… disconnected?  Empty?  I’m not sure what the right word is, except that I feel like my feelings are encased in glass so I can see them, but can’t reach them.  Perhaps I’m dealing with depression that I’ve become very good at hiding?  I’m not sure, really.  I do know, though, that I feel stressed, and that leads me to feel trapped, and then I … feel nothing.   I think there needs to be more analysis.  

Jerry has no complicated feelings to address.  He’s letting me know that it’s about time for mommy-cuddles.  I’m trying (unsuccessfully) not to make eye contact, but he’s staring at me from the sofa.  If our eyes connect (2 eyes make 4, as my friend L says) he’ll be over here faster than I can say, “puppy!”  Good night!