dolor hic tibi proderit olim

 .

I've had a few painful days this week. My back decided that I needed a reminder of what it feels like to be weak and in agony. It's improved, but I still get some unpleasant twinges that feel like something has ripped on my shoulder blade and it's challenging to find a comfortable position to sit or lie down. Because of the pain in my back, breathing hurts. My appetite continues to be erratic, and I've been lectured by my medical team on the necessity of eating more solid food than I've been lately (still lots of Ensure) My days have been mostly full of having Jerry lying on my lap, or else butting and scratching me to continue petting him. Unfortunately for him, me bending to pet him is painful, so he has been jumping into my lap, regardless of what I'm doing. I have a short reprieve as he's currently perched on Don's shoulder, guarding him from having a snack. He's feeling somewhat better, which is a relief, even if he's not back to full strength yet.  He’s settled in to watch the Super Bowl, so I’m left to my own devices 😆

Many thanks to the people who reached out to me when I hadn't posted for a few days. It's so very kind and thoughtful of you, and I really appreciate it.

Being in pain for several days leads inevitably to dark and unpleasant thoughts which require a lot of energy not to succumb. Because my doctor has refused permission for travel at the moment, part of me has begun to despair of being able to do a long list of things. I've been down this path before and it's very frustrating to me to have to revisit it and to remind myself that I still can do some things. Perhaps not all the things that I'd like, but I can certainly enjoy life. I find myself struggling with-not exactly regret, since it was never really an option- but a level of dismay that I never did as much travel as I'd have liked. In reality, I did travel as time and finances allowed. I suppose that my wish fulfillment would have been to have unlimited time and money-and multiple lives-to have done all the travel I wanted. But now that my body has made my limitations crystalline, I am grappling with that.

My frustration is increased because my energy keeps me from doing some activities-further limited in the last 2 years-and I'm struggling. Logic dictates that I'm doing the right things, but logic is a poor defence against waves of self-misery. I mean, logically I know that my feelings are exacerbated by my pain, but that doesn't alleviate the misery. I'll be able to overcome this once I can get the pain down-although the longer it goes on the easier it is for the dark thoughts to seep in. Yes, I know that I can reach out for help-but as you know, depression is great for encouraging reclusiveness. There will be a discussion with my nurse tomorrow on pain and depression-which also means a talk with the doctor or social worker or therapist. Thankfully I have access to these resources, even if I sometimes hide from them.

Thank you for allowing me to vent. It is helpful, and I feel lighter once I get those miseries off my chest. I won't do it too often, I promise. I know that it is unpleasant if done too frequently. I hope to get a good sleep tonight, and I truly hope for some relief soon! Good night.