vi et animo

 

Yesterday I couldn't keep my eyes open, and fell asleep late afternoon soon after my personal worker finished washing my hair. (So nice to have clean hair!! And clean sheets-such luxury!) Because of that, no update. I also started a new medication, which is probably the cause of my drowsiness. Once again, the little dictator had spent most of the day dozing on my lap or scratching at my arm to get me petting his tummy. Don is looking much better today, which is a massive relief for me. He's annoyingly stubborn, but I'm always miserable when he's ill. (Don't tell him; his head will get more swollen!)

I was half-watching a medical drama recently. Normally I enjoy watching them, but I was suddenly extremely stressed. The plot involved several individuals who were facing recurrent cancer diagnoses, and I just couldn't process that. The moments of doctors explaining the new findings to people who had been happily in remission were particularly brutal! I have to say that pain and depression are horrific things. I know certain things intellectually, but then pain and depression emerge and I feel like I'm drowning. Interestingly, when I was a child, I was terrified of dying by drowning. As a teen, I attended a prayer session (part of preparation for confirmation) in which the group leader said (as part of a long prayer) that I would not drown. Ridiculously, I felt a rush of relief hearing that, and shortly after I became a regular at the pool, learning to swim. I'm a lot less afraid of drowning than I used to was... but I feel suffocated and like I'm underwater. Pain and depression are really awful.  

I was thinking that it would be wonderful if we could reset parts of our lives. Like the way Doctor Who has the ability to regenerate and begin a new life-as another gender, or younger, or... that would be lovely and still retaining all their memories. I'd like a reset of the last 10 years-perhaps finding the tumour before it grew so large. It likely would have required a less- aggressive treatment. Maybe I wouldn't have had to go through all this cancer treatment. In honesty, I'm thankful for the care and treatment that I've received, and that I'm alive to look back on everything. But if I could reset part of my life and avoid dealing with cancer... Maybe.

Today would have been my mom's 80th birthday. I think that I mentioned that she died following surgery to remove what turned out to be a cancerous brain tumour. It was sudden-both the surgery and her passing. I miss her dreadfully-we all do- and some days are more challenging than others. We all lit candles in her memory. tonight, which was a touching family moment spread across Trinidad and Canada.

I'm again falling asleep on myself, so I'll head in now. Good night.


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