Non nobis Domine

 It was a fake spring day today.  Despite some rain this morning, it was 12C and reasonably comfortable.  I did not, sadly, have enough spare energy to take Jerry for the walk he’s craving, and I feel guilty about that.  I’m hopeful that when the weather warms up I’ll be somewhat more inclined to spend time outdoors.  I had a decent, if light, appetite today, and I ordered some donuts; mostly for the man in the house, but there are some for me.  I ate one today and I finished the half shawarma that I had from yesterday.  There’s a package of chicken thawing in the fridge which I plan to cook tomorrow.  I’m debating how they will be cooked.  Do I opt for the super healthy grilled, or steamed or stewed?  Curry somehow didn’t make the list.  I’m not craving that right now, oddly enough.  Something will be sorted out by tomorrow, don’t worry.  Don is sitting on a minor pedestal for jump starting my appetite last week, hence the box of donuts, but I’m not telling him that!  My sleep is astonishing me, in that I’ve been getting 8+ hours without resorting to sleep aids. Gotta love that.  Really.

I’m realizing that there are many people who hold strong views on different subjects some of which are totally irrational.  In those cases, even mentioning the subject can trigger an outburst.  It’s made me understand why some university lectures or TV shows carry warnings that the subject matter may be triggering.  It’s really become necessary, and I didn’t at first fully appreciate that.  What twigged for me (triggered? 😆) was when someone suggested doing something that I considered unsafe, but they never did.  In my case, it was a fear of being the target of racial hatred, which was not on their radar at all.  I felt panic rising up in me, and I struggled not to scream or lash out on my friend, who was blithely and blindly walking into what I considered to be a potentially dangerous situation.  I think that they thought that I was overreacting but we left anyway, and were unharmed.  I learned later that we were indeed fortunate, because 2 women, one of whom was BIPOC, walking into that area was often an invitation to harm.  (I have multiple issues with this, and with “women invite rape” but we’ll leave that for another time.)  Anyway, I understood again recently that there are things which leave mental scars and no matter what the reality is, the reaction is based on the situation that caused the scarring.  I’m learning to walk gently to minimize situations that can lead to even deeper hurts and ending relationships.   I’ve learned to recognize the body language that communicates that the person is not present but has retreated to the painful incident and is preparing to battle.  I don’t know enough yet to assist them in remaining present, so I tend to change the subject, unless it’s something very personal to me… and I’m not sure that helps, either!  Any suggestions would be welcome.  I miss my guide on conflict management, who has (deservedly) retired but has relocated elsewhere!!

OK, I am drifting off to dreamland without much provocation!  I’ll leave you here, and go tuck myself in.  Good night!