Chemo day 2

Cold, but some sun, so… assume there will be some grumbling about the weather for the next few months, just because… but let’s be honest, I’m not a snow bunny.  Jerry’s been in the car since before 10am as we came in to the hospital and it’s been a long day.  He will leap on my lap and not move when I get out.  Resumed editing after my treatment.  So said, so done.  As I got in the car, he climbed on my lap and made it challenging to buckle up and get comfortable, but he was snuggling after 6+ hour separation!  Poor Don was sitting in the car all this time.  He waited to find out if we were proceeding with treatment, then decided it wasn’t worth going home to fight traffic to come get me.  It just was a looooong day.  He bought dinner as we have no stove, which was great, and will save us both a lot of energy at home.  We finally just got home, and it’s so nice to be in our space again!  I think there will be sports later, which is fine as I’m likely to be sawing logs long before that!  He’s right now in a little ball on the sofa napping with the dog under his nose 😊

I’m starting this in the hospital just because I don’t know how energetic I’ll feel when I get home.  I’ve been here since 10:15 to do the blood work.  I actually was in and out in 5 minutes to get the blood, as I was first in line.  Then I had 2 hours to fill before my appointment.  I found a waiting room with a fireplace, a big window and some lovely paintings, and sat there for an hour sipping my tea that I’d brought with me.  I got the notification that the test results were in, so I came up to the chemo unit to register.  They were running late (again) and I was starting to worry that they wouldn’t do treatment if my readings had dropped too much.  Thankfully no — in fact they’re very similar to last week’s except my potassium is lower than it was, and my white cell count is elevated — so we proceeded.  I’m getting 2 different drugs today, and I’m on the first as I’m typing this.  The chemo unit had some snacks, which is helpful for not starving, so my tea was helpful and there were some digestive cookies to go with it.  I’ll get sorted soon.  Saw my pain doctor, who came up looking for me, and we chatted, so that was useful.  The second drug required that my fingers and toes be placed in ice, which was, as you might imagine, cold, uncomfortable and not great, but it’s a preventive to protect my nails from the drug.  Ick.

Things still feel a little out of control, but it’s improving.  It was just that there were so many things all needing attention in such a short time, and things that weren’t expected, and I began to feel burnt out.  After I was able to dump on my doctor, I felt better.  I will not apologize for sharing my frustration and depression.  This is, after all, one of my coping mechanisms, and I have made a commitment to be honest here.  If I need to censor myself because people feel uncomfortable that I’m having a bad day — or week, or month — then it helps nobody, least of all me.  I’m not always cheerful or optimistic, and when I have news that is shocking, I need time to process it — sharing it here can help.  It is not helpful to tell me that “you’ve been here before” “you have more support than many others” “OK, just stop pitying yourself.”  Yes, I’ve been dealing with ups and downs and some mind breaking news for over 11 years.  That doesn’t remove the shock or hurt value when I get results showing disease progression.  It doesn’t eliminate the fear as much as I try to normalize and minimize it.  I am beyond grateful for the support that I have, and the friends who do things to cheer me up, and mostly for Don who has been such a support.  And I am DEFINITELY allowed to have the occasional pity party sometimes.  I don’t wallow in it, as you know, but there are times when I just feel that I need to be petted and shielded and cared for instead of being everyone else’s support.  So if you don’t like it, lay down beside it, but if I feel the need to vent or dump here, then I will.  Got that?

I’m just home, and I thought I’d finish this, eat and wait for my support worker who’s coming later tonight before I crash.  Oh, my bed looks SUPER tempting right now!  But we need to ensure that the stove can get in easily and set up my meals for tomorrow, so I need to stay awake.  It will be fine.  Good night!