Depressed

Ugh.  Snow, ice, rain… traditional holiday weather, which is really not adding to my enjoyment of life.  I hate feeling so chilled, and when you add slippery roads and icy driveways, you’ll appreciate (or not) my feelings of ick.  Jerry is trying to be more affectionate, and is doing better at just lying on my lap, but he’s still triggered by the flood of people and deliveries that have been arriving.  Don’s been having to sacrifice some of his comfort as Jerry goes hunting for someone to cuddle when I throw him off, or they move into another room when I have a nurse or other such person looking after me.  He’s got sports on right  now, and I’m remarkable bored of endless hockey talk.

I’m going to admit that I’m falling into a full blown depression.  Thankfully, I had a decent sleep last night, after locking Jerry out again.  He did come scratching at the door at one point but gave up when I ignored him.  I dislike this pervasive weakness that is all around me this week.  I have to take a full minute at least to get my balance when I stand up, and it’s more challenging to eat — because of cooking, not anything else — so that I’ll have to sit while I wait for a slice of bread to toast, for instance, or the kettle to boil.  Plus there are all sorts of “normal” things to do — calls to make/follow up; picking up mail, etc and I feel drained and overwhelmed.  I swing between wanting to chat with friends, and just turning off the phone and shutting down.  I reached a point where I start to swear when the phone rings, because the odds of it being pleasant are so low — it’ll be an appointment, or a rescheduling or something like that, not someone calling to chat about what they’re planning for Christmas.  

I’ll give you a tale of two friends just to illustrate some of the conversations and how they affect me.  They both call regularly; daily, in fact.  One allows me to sulk for a maximum of 2 days before they begin persistently messaging and calling to ensure that I’m fine; the other will call every 5 minutes until I answer and then say “sorry I woke you up.”  One will call and ask if I’ve eaten.  When I say that I haven’t because of whatever reason — mostly I’m too tired to cook and I have nothing immediately available — they say “well you need to eat.  Go eat!” And hang up.  I want to say “did you provide a meal?  Are you arranging for one?” (To which I have been told that I’ve never cooked for them.)  The other friend, asking the same question, “have you eaten yet?” And hearing that I haven’t, will reply, “I’m just cooking now, I’ll drop off some dinner for you in about 45 minutes; will that be too late?”  Guess which one makes me feel warm and fuzzy?  I don’t expect people to be providing me regular meals, but I do find it a little thoughtless to say to someone that they should do something that they temporarily can’t without offering to make things better.  No need for a gourmet meal; a deli chicken salad sandwich with a fruit juice would be excellent.  I have to remind myself that not everyone shares the same thoughts nor do we all respond the same way to challenges.

I got my IV hookup this afternoon.  It’s set for 4 hours, but seems to be running a bit fast… I do feel more energy, which is great, and maybe I’ll be able to stand long enough to toast some bread and eat something… I don’t feel quite so weak and trembly, so bonus!  A new one will be hooked up tomorrow, and we continue for a week.  I did call the coordinator to let them know they’ve sent me enough tubing for almost a year… to add to the large box of tubing from last year that they sent and I never used.  This stuff is expensive, and I feel awful to think of how much stuff is covering my dining table that just won’t be used.  (I need an extra room just to store medical supplies)  We’ll talk tomorrow and hopefully be able to slow down the delivery of supplies (the bags of fluid are too heavy for me to lift, and I’ve got enough saline flush for a hospital ward!)  

Good night.  I hope that I feel more like myself tomorrow from several perspectives; at the moment, I don’t recognize myself for being so frail, weak, useless and frustrated.