Chemo

First of all, happy Hanukkah to all those celebrating.  I wish your families peace and light in this season of miracles!  The first menorah candles were lit at sunset in City Hall today, and on the Hill, so I add my wishes to all of those.  It was bitterly cold today again, all of -18 when I had to head off to my appointment.  It’s also a record-setting day in Ottawa; we’ve had 59 consecutive hours of snowfall this week and it looks like it wants to try to break that record already.  It was the little fine, driving snow, which blows hard but doesn’t accumulate quickly; it’s dry enough to be brushed off, but the wind makes up for that!  Jerry curled up in my lap, shivering, and wouldn’t move on the way home.  Don was a superstar, taking me to the hospital and waiting… they told me it would be about an hour, but the chemo unit was running a bit late, plus there was all the fun of them saying that they didn’t have my blood work, so lots of excitement.  It worked out well, and I was about an hour later than expected.  Thankfully Don waited with Jerry for me, and we came home to warm up!

Let’s start with the fun stuff, shall we?  The nurse got me to get up on the scale this afternoon, which showed that I’ve GAINED ALMOST TWO POUNDS!!!  I think that deserves a celebration, don’t you?  The scale read 116.8 and I stared at it dumbfounded for a while before it registered that it was UP.  Let’s hope this continues, shall we?  Not too much — there’s no need for me to regain everything, but I think 20lbs or so would be ideal.  Once I got hooked up (see photo) I was fine; just dove into my reading (thanks, Fiend!) and shut out the outside world so effectively that I never heard the “end of treatment” alarm on my IV ☺️  I texted Don that I was almost done, got back into my coat (that thing weighs a TON!  If I wore it on the scale my weight would bump right back to normal!) and walked out of the door into the car.  I admit that I nearly fell asleep a few times on the way home, but it’s all good.  My worker was kind enough to make me some dinner, so I didn’t have to worry and I ate a plate a while ago.  I think I’ll opt for an early night, as I can feel my energy ebbing a little.  It’s all good, though.   My next session is in a week’s time.

I’m going to make a huge confession here.  The last time I did chemo I stayed in the hospital for it to be administered, as it needed 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.  The first time we’d used that drug, I’d reached a point where I was almost ready to give up.  It sucked all my energy, and after 8 hours in hospital, I had no strength to come home, prepare a meal or eat, which made things worse.  In hospital, those requirements were reduced, but I had neurological side effects which were so bad that I still can’t comfortably express them!  I was getting some flashbacks to those, and had to talk myself down from panic, reminding myself that this was not the same thing.  I went in to the unit feeling like I was part of the Charge of the Light Brigade — I recommend reading, if you don’t know it.  But in summary, it talks about a foolhardy attack by 600 light cavalry against cannons.  600 rode in, most didn’t ride out.  There is a line in there “the soldier knew, someone had blundered… theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do or die” and I felt a bit fatalistic about it.  There’s another line about “riding into the jaws of Death, fighting the hordes of Hell” that resonated.  Oddly enough, it comforted me enough that I didn’t feel quite so desperate.  Thanks Daddy for the many poems you read me as a child!  It’s one of the moments when I felt like I was on a treadmill — the ancient one, not the modern gym equipment (fitting, though, as the treadmill was an instrument of torture) and the pauses between were just to let me recover enough to start again.  It’s draining and exhausting, and I’m still seeking some form of emotional release to help me recuperate.

I’m going to take a break now and perhaps crawl into bed.  It’s cold tonight, I can hear the building snapping with the cold, so being rolled in my blanket and relaxing is definitely what the doctor ordered!  Jerry is trying to mooch some of Don’s dinner, so far unsuccessfully, but it means that he’s not paying attention to me.  Excellent time for sneaking into bed!  Good night