Once more

It was warm enough yesterday that I wore a summer dress and sandals to my appointment!  That felt nice and the nurse told me how happy she was to see a flowery dress after a long winter of greys, blacks and dark coats.  I agreed with her on that.  Jerry is over excited because his support worker is here, but she’s doing my stuff and he doesn’t like being ignored like that.  He’s sitting on Don’s lap right now and whining in protest about being kept from running around her.  Don went to his medical appointment today, I was pleased and relieved that he did.  However, he seemed to be accident prone as he fell on the way back and one of his fingers looks awful and he is limping from having hurt his foot.  He’s sitting resting and staying off his feet today, so hopefully he recovers well.

My news is frankly bad.  The scan showed that my tumours have actually grown since we started chemo.  It’s like they were weeds that were planted in fertilizer!  A couple are a little smaller, but most of them are unarguably larger.  I’m at that juncture that I’d hoped was further into the future of deciding whether to continue treatment (different drug, no guarantees, possibly making me sicker) or stop treatment and we go to full palliative care — manage symptoms and be made “comfortable.”  My oncologist knows me well enough to know my decision without having to discuss it, which is comforting, but he’s also pragmatic enough to let me know that we’re in the stage where further treatments are less likely to be successful.  I took the night to talk with my family and to think, and emailed him this morning to say “prepare for chemo.”  

I’ll be honest… I’m not ready to surrender this fight just yet.  I know that I have no hope of getting out of this alive — nobody does — but I’d still like to prolong my time as much as I can.  While I’m doing reasonably well, I’m planning all sorts of things which may not happen, but I’ll do my best to enjoy to the maximum.  Right now, I’m not in any pain or discomfort; I’m easily tired and I can’t walk too far, so those do limit what I can reasonably plan to do.  So no hikes along the Great Wall, or bike tours of Europe are not on my list.  One of the tools that my therapist had recommended for dealing with uncertainty is identifying what I can and can’t control.  The list of the latter is getting longer and longer, and it frustrates the bejeezus out of me.  I couldn’t write last night, as my mind was looping and shorting out, and I needed clarity before I could share.  To the few people who did know, thanks for the prayers and support.  I need every bit of prayer that is going.

Yes, even with this news I still believe in prayer and I trust that God will support me.  I’ve never been pushy about my beliefs nor have I ever tried to (seriously) convert anyone.  (I confess that I’ve teased a friend about becoming Catholic and joining the “true church” but we both participated in the jokes.)  I think that my role is to not be an obstacle to the faith to anyone, so that my life and actions should not cause others to say that my faith is phoney or drive them away from believing.  So when things get this unsettled, my faith is the base from which I operate.  I will admit that it’s hard for me to just “let go and let God” (something people like to tell me, but they’re not experiencing what I am) so instead I pray for the strength to cope with what’s coming.  I don’t know why this is my path; it’s not my immediate choice, I tell you!  

My support worker (bless her!) has made supper (chicken salad sandwiches— it’s what I’ve been craving) and I have enough for a few days’ snacks/lunch too.  I’m going to eat, take my meds and then get into watching a couple of my shows that are backlogged.  Good night!