Tense

This is my current situation… I’m a dog bed, and my tiny dictator directs where my hands go with that little paw that pats my face, shoves my arm or just pokes me!  He’s very comfortable, lying on his back with his feet in the air and his tiny stump wagging hard!  When he doesn’t get the reaction he wants, the other paw comes up to let me know.  He effectively blocks my ability to read on my iPad (I’m in the middle of some fun books and trying to read them but then there’s a dog on my screen…) His other activity is to bring me his toy so I can play with it.  He’s trailing me everywhere, and tries to mooch whatever I’m eating.  Don is watching spring training (🥱) where the team isn’t set yet, and probably half of them won’t appear in the “real” games.  His hockey team has returned to trying to get to the bottom of the rankings as quickly as possible, as they seem better at losing than actually winning any games!  The only team that’s trying is the women’s team, and IMHO they’re better than the men at this point.

For some reason I didn’t sleep at all last night.  I went to bed around 10pm, read for about 45 minutes, turned off the light, put on my white noise and… was still awake at 6:30am.  I honestly couldn’t fall asleep.  I wasn’t in pain or anything, but I just was awake the whole time.  I’ve been up all day, with the intention of trying to sleep at my usual time, and I got up about 15 minutes later than usual this morning, so hopefully I can sleep tonight.  My appetite is hanging around, 😁 and I have been working my way through my frozen meals.  I’m thinking of a couple of simple dishes this week so I’ll have more to eat.  I’m in quite a bit of pain now… I was putting stuff in the freezer, and the door swung in and hit me in the back in a spot that’s surprisingly tender.  For the first time in about a month I’ve had to use my painkillers… really hoping that I can sleep tonight.

Today marks the anniversaries of the death of 2 people who are, even now, dear to me.  The first is my grandmother who died 31 years ago, and the other is my friend and the mother of “my” kids, who died 27 years ago.  Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them.  May they rest in peace.  I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I’m grieving a lot.  I’m not sitting down weeping or moaning or turning into a puddle of sadness, but I feel the absence of people and… well, me.  In under 18 months I’ve lost all of my elder supports.  Auntie Ming, Daddy and Fr. Leo were all part of the base that kept me as me.  I’m also gradually accepting that I can’t do the things that I’d imagined that I would when I got to this stage of my life, and it’s a challenge.  I’ll cope, but at the moment, I’m allowing myself to experience the full set of emotions as that’s the best way to get through.

I’m going to sort out dinner and tire myself out a bit more so I can sleep.  No support worker again today… I did have someone yesterday, so out of last week’s expected 8 hours, I got support for 3. 🙄  My regular person is due back tomorrow, and I’m very happy… I miss her and I’m glad she’s recovering.  Good night!