bona fide

 

Happy 3rd birthday to my little niece! I'm sorry that I'm not there in person to celebrate, but I'm very happy to have been on the video call for cake and presents. I wish you a long, happy and healthy life. full of love and excitement and fun challenges that help you grow into a lovely, intelligent and caring person. May you never experience hatred, cruelty or violence. That's your birthday wish from your godmother.

I'm being betrayed by my body again. I have been waking up feeling like I've been beaten, and I've actually had to take extra medication for pain management. I was trying to do a few things today, so I was on my feet for about 15 minutes continuously and that's led to agony. I rather wish that my body would stop doing these awful cancer-related things, and allow me to live a pain-free life. My personal support worker was here today and we tackled my linen closet, which is now a thing of beauty. Jerry was annoyed that somebody was in his closet, rearranging his towels. He's now resting in the blanket, and refusing to let Don have access.

I have a new social worker, who says that she will call to check on me regularly. One of her objectives is to help me do some advance planning. I will be honest and admit that it's not something that I really want to think about. It's one thing, in theory. to say things like, "oh, if something happens, just let me die." It's another to say in cold blood, "Yeah, let me die." The day will come when I'll welcome death like an old friend, but that is not today. Today, I consider it like a monster from which I hide. I don't like the idea of not participating in life. It might seem strange, given my present state of virtual imprisonment, and non-involvement in things. But I do communicate with people-by phone and video - and I still plan things even if they have a low chance of happening. I'm happy to grouse about my pain, as it means that I'm here. That's preferable to the alternative.

Now that I've managed to become morose, I'll stop and find something more cheerful. Like opening the box of cookies that's sitting on the table... Good night!


Comments

  1. Terri-Anne20 January 2022 at 19:58:00 GMT-5

    I find it rather uplifting to hear these words in your voice. I am on who knows that you are laughing just a little at how some won't be able to read these words. However, these words need saying expression is one of the hardest things... love you my friend

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