Ad vitam aut culpam

 

I'm still dealing with an unhappy tummy. It's dragging on a little too long for my comfort! My nurse came today (I can only delay her visits, and to reschedule two in a row is not encouraged.) My readings are all normal except that my blood pressure is a bit lower than usual; it's still within the acceptable range, thankfully. My appetite is still MIA, so that will need some attention, I'm having some mashed potato for dinner, so that may help a bit! I feel a little weak, but given that I've not eaten much for several days and I overdid things, it's unsurprising. Here's hoping that things return to normal-ish soon!

This morning Don and Jerry came to wake me up about 10 minutes before the nurse was due. Jerry did a flying leap on to the bed and rolled into the blanket, then wriggled onto my tummy for cuddles. I had barely enough time to get up before the nurse buzzed for entry! The little monster spent most of the day curled on my lap and dozing. He was extra affectionate when he thought that there was hope for snacks (no luck!) and he's on the sofa with one guttering dark eye fixed on me.

I was reminded recently of a collection of books that I'd read several times over in my teen years. It touched on the concept of the afterlife and what that meant.. It alleged that we'd had a moment before birth when we chose the life we wanted, and the lessons we hoped to master this time. In some ways, it's a very tempting idea. I mean, to have picked out the main pants of life- what kinds of friends we'd have; the level of wealth; the diseases we'd face, and so on. Back then, I considered the ideas and was relieved that I'd selected a moderately comfortable life. I wonder now if there was a possibility that I chose this before I was born. If so, why? What did I intend to learn? Why did I choose this illness? I have to speculate about my thought process. What were the aims I picked for this life? Did I seriously intend that I would go through multiple rounds of chemotherapy? Did I mean to suffer? That line of questioning just went around in loops and provided no clarity. I no longer think that it's an option. But sometimes, I do wonder if I'd picked out some elements of my life so that I could develop certain skills. It doesn't align with my Christian faith; in fact it doesn't fit with any set of contemporary religions. It does, though, align with some "New Age" beliefs which claim to follow a number of "ancient, secret texts."

The ancient texts were, of course, documents that were hidden to protect them from the powers that be until they were revealed mystically. So many bizarre claims, and presented in a fairly credible format. And because people seek answers to the "big questions" of life, these are often accepted. Like the pills for rapid weight-loss, or to attract women irresistibly. It's a bit sad that people work to extract money from others who are suffering. It makes me angry and upset that this goes on.

Someone had approached my dad and promised to miraculously cure my cancer. My dad was in a particularly vulnerable spot then, and wanted to believe them. I read the ingredients of the product and refused to consume it. The product was a 15% solution of colloidal silver and mercury. Both of these accumulate in the body's tissues and lead to heavy metal poisoning and death. So yes, it would cure my cancer, by relieving me of the burden of life! I admit that I was fascinated by the concept of choosing the main aspects of my life and preparing for another one. Reincarnation remains a fascinating and tempting philosophy, and certainly quite appealing. Whether it's true or not, we won't know definitively in our lifetime, and it doesn't affect daily life.

Let's work on being kind to each other. We should love our neighbours as we love ourselves. We should care for each other, and work to bring out the best in ourselves and each other. While I would like to have another life with as many of my awesome friends as possible, if this is the only one, I hope that I've been a joy and a source of sweetness and light to them all. Good night!